Moving Parents into Assisted Living?
A Special Word to The Main Caregiver
Care giving is tough job that can build lots of emotions: sadness, grief, frustration, resentment but also it can produce a deep compassion and empathy. Overextending is easy with the needs of parents who can and should no longer live independently. Blessed are the children of compliant and trusting. parents Those of us whose parents turn negative, aggressive and sarcastic deal with an additional painful element of the process.
Get Support
Support comes in many ways and doesn‘t mean finding a group, (Hi My name is Kelly and I’m a caregiver”), though if there is a group in your area it’s worth checking it out. The most impactful and satisfying support for me comes from a sister who doesn’t mind hanging on the phone listening to me talk my head off. Journaling is another favorite way of getting anxiety out of my chest. Both of those, talking and writing, help get the crazy emotions out. A bit more clarity and serenity comes afterwards.
I’m also a grateful member of Al-anon which encourages me to use it’s principals in all my affairs. It does fit perfectly. Just being honest, there are similarities between dementia and alcoholism. Both are diseases that I am powerless to change, control or cure.
A little research about care-giving a dementia patient brought some understanding and some ‘me-too’ relief. My experiences are not alien or uncommon. Whew! You Tube and a plethora of Google searches provide some information and education. Very valuable is seeking out and listening to other peoples stories about moving parents into assisted living.
Give Updates Often – not for them but for You
There in the early years of care-taking, when it was a small effort, I didn’t share my experiences or my needs much with my siblings. Once in a while when an event occurred, like Mom getting a UTI, did I share but for the most part, I kept fairly quiet. I didn’t notice my burden growing, it was slow and gradual. I’m saying that I wish I had brought my siblings on board sooner. I had reasoned that it was better only one life, (mine), was effected by the parents decline. However, a resentment grew. I started to see it as unfair they got to live an unrestricted life and I didn’t. Though it was my choosing (kind of) to look after the parents I felt I was 1 of 1 not 1 of 5. If I had shared updates more often, I might have saved myself a little grief no and then.
Quantify Your Limits
I learned through hard-knocks when I was doing too much. A lot of effort went into deciding what I was and was not willing to do. On occasion there was no time to think about it but just do. This slogan gave me strength, “this is God’s Will for my life”. I prayed for and received the courage, power and peace to carry it out. However, there came a point when I could no longer tend to my own needs. My life was over taken, I had to admit it had become unmanageable.
Boundaries direct my behavior and are necessary for my health. In essence boundaries help me to do what I can, change what I can and, the let God do the rest. The struggling helped me to narrow down and develop some measurable rules and limits for managing my life and sanity. You’ll have to set your own. Theses are mine:
- I will devote up to 8 hours divided into 2 visits per week to care taking. I will set aside Sunday afternoons and a part of each Wednesday for visiting – that way there my life isn’t like popcorn.
- I will find ways to stream line chores, such as using electronic automatic bill pay and on-line ordering to minimize time spending.
- The assisted living physician is the new primary enabling me to keep my routine plus the parents are seen more regularly.
- Any outside appointments are made for a Wednesday.
- I will update my siblings for all developments or at least monthly to inform them of parents’ status, the work I’m doing and to ask for help when the work becomes more than my boundaries can contain.
- I will not pick up the phone every time my Step-Dad rings. Sometimes there are 2 or 3 calls in a single day. The conversation repeats and repeats over 30 minutes or more. Each ring I self assess if my state of mind, can it produce patience and kindness? If not, say I’m in the middle of something, I don’t pick up. If I’ve already talked to him that day, I don’t pick up. Since they are now safely residing in assisted living, phone calls are no longer potential emergencies.
- Having a part time job is good for me so I will have one. I can work around a set schedule just as others too have jobs. BTW, I don’t regret quitting my job a couple of years ago to tend to my parents but there is no need for it now.
- It’s okay for me to leave town for a weekend or even a week, leaving my parents visit-less for a while. They are safe, let go and let God. They might actually learn to participate in activities and socialize more if I wasn’t there.
- If I’m about to do something difficult, I’ll sandwich it between phone calls to my sister before and after. Thank God she’s retired.
That’s My Story
Stories help me a lot. I hope mine helps you. Painting a commissioned piece during the move for Tia Marie saved my sanity. Painting furniture provided, and still does, an escape from reality. This is the reason art exists. Also, I can’t image this process without leaning heavily on phone calls to my Montana sister and brother in-law weekly, daily and sometimes more! Sorry to say it’s not over either.
Thanks for spending a little of your time here. Every situation is different. Doing research and getting support is a big deal. At times I didn’t want to finish writing my story. The satisfaction I suspected would come finishing it became my goal. I didn’t quit on myself. That’s a good thing.
Is It Time for Assisted Living?
How To Convince Resistant Parent
